Jozwiak Baby Blog

She's here.......Melissa Nicole!!!

2009-05-29T04:28:00.000-07:00

I am so incredibly pleased to announce the birth of my little girl - Melissa Nicole. She was born at 36w1d due to severe pre-eclampsia and IUGR. After 12 hours of labor I pushed her out at 2:05a.m. on May28th. She weighed 4lbs 6oz, 19" long, has light brown hair and is perfect! She's a tiny little thing but doesn't need a stay in the NICU and can come home with us tomorrow.

Labor was actually really good! I started with Cervadil Tuesday night to get things going - and then started pitocin on Wednesday morning. I was on Mag. Sulfate for the pre-e- which stops contractions so it was a blanacing act between the Mag and the Pitocin to get things going. My water broke on it's own about noon and I went from 0-5 cm without pain medication in about 6 hours. The epidural was great though - I'm not gonna lie. But it was mild enough that I could still feel contractions and move my legs so I was able to labor in different positons with the ball, bean bag, etc. I felt all the contractions at the end and knew when to push - I didn't need to be told that at all. I pushed 7 times and out she came! All in all labor was 12 hours - which the Dr's/nurses said was great for being induced and on pitocin. I was really happy with my labor experience and am sooooo happy to be a mommy! After 3 miscarriages it was been a long road and while it ended a few weeks earlier than we thought, it ended with a happy and healthy baby!

So here she is! The pictures don't really capture how small she is - she's a tiny little thing. The NB clothes look ridiculous on her - I need some preemie clothes stat! :)

Another good appointment!

2009-05-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

I had my 3rd NST (non-stress test) today and it went really well. To quote the nurse practitioner "I would use this as a model of what NST's should look like". So that made me feel pretty good. I told the baby she did an excellent job and that I was so proud of her! Also, my blood pressure was good right off the bat - we didn't even have to take it twice. And I passed my 24 hour urine test so no signs anywhere of pre-eclampsia. Yes!!

Bed rest is going better than I expected. I can't believe it's already been a week! Only 13 more days to go until we take another measurement of baby - it doesn't seem like that far away. I spend the days doing a variety of activities - mostly TV, Internet, cross-stitching, reading, napping, and eating. I go outside for a little while each day to get some vitamin D. And my big excursion is now my visits to the Dr. I actually get dressed up for them now since it's the only time I ever leave the house anymore! But the days go by surprisingly fast. It's hard to sit around and look at my non-so-clean house and it's actually hard to keep asking John to do this and that. I know he's getting frustrated but I don't know what else to do. My mom is a huge help too - my house would be in shambles if she wasn't helping.

So all in all I'm feeling optimistic about things. I just keep telling Baby J. to keep growing and gain weight and that we can't wait to meet her. Could be any day now - yikes!!!

Baby Shower #2

2009-05-09T06:54:00.001-07:00

This post is so late but I was really hoping to have some more pictures to share before posting. Somehow I only took a few pics at the shower but a friend of the family took dozens and I was hoping she would send me the pictures. But I can't wait anymore - I want to share!

My mother-in-law Joann threw me a fabulous baby shower on April 25th in Flint, MI. The guest list was a lot of Joann's aunts, cousins, family friends, etc. - there was about 25 women there. It was at a restaurant - which was actually the same place we had my wedding shower about 5 years ago! We played some games, had some great food, and opened a ton of gifts!

We got a lot of diapers, clothes, wipes, toys, a Diaper Genie, some giftcards...a lot of really great things for the baby! Two of my favorite onesies were from Joann - one said "Does this diaper make my butt look big?" and the other said "I am not a boy!". That one is especially funny in the Jozwiak family because they've had nothing but boys for years and years!

An especially touching moment was actually for John. John and his grandma were very close and she died almost 2 years ago. On her birthday in 1997 she wrote a letter to John in anticipation that one day he would be a father. In case she wasn't around she wanted to tell him to be a good husband and father - which of course his is! She also knitted a beautiful pink, blue, yellow, and green baby blanket. Joann had saved the letter and the blanket and gave it to John at the shower - it was a really touching moment. Of course the letter is going in the baby book, and the blanket is coming with us to the hospital. What's even cooler is that the blanket is very similar to one that my mom knitted for me 30 years ago!

It was a really nice shower and I'm so touched to be a part of John's family!

Mom-to-be and Grandma-to-be

33 Week Belly Picture

2009-05-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like it doesn't look very big but here's my belly pic taken this morning at 33 weeks.

Baby is too small...let the bedrest begin.

2009-05-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

I had an ultrasound yesterday and unfortunately things were not perfect. Our baby is measuring perfectly in the head and femur but her body is almost 2 weeks behind. They estimated the baby’s weight to be 3lbs 14oz – which is only in the 10th percentile for her gestational age. The good news is that they also measured the blood flow from the umbilical cord and the amniotic fluid – all of which were perfectly normal. After the ultrasound they performed a non-stress test which basically evaluates the babies heartbeat over time and its response to movement. She passed beautifully – her heartbeat accelerated during times of movement, showed variation, etc. – all good signs. Unfortunately at this point my blood pressure was sky high (not terribly surprising given all the hoopla in the last hour) so my Dr. sent me to the Labor/Delivery floor to be monitored and continue with the fetal monitoring. Eventually my blood pressure came back down to normal so I was allowed to come home.

I’ll be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy and I have to see the doctor 2 times a week. I’ll get an ultrasound every week to monitor the blood flow from the cord/placenta and also a non-stress test twice a week. I don’t have any signs of pre-eclampsia (swelling, protein, etc.) so that is very good news. In 3 weeks (at 36 weeks gestation) we’ll recheck her growth and make a decision on whether or not to deliver. Hopefully the bed rest will increase the blood, oxygen, etc. that gets to the baby as well as keep my blood pressure down.

I'm feeling better today. I've been reading about IUGR/SGA (interuterine growth restriction/small for gestational age) and it's fairly common. They don't really know why it happens - my Dr. said it's not my fault but I don't know if she's just saying that to keep my BP down or if she really means it. All I can do now is relax, keep my stress down, get enough calories, etc. and hope that the baby has a growth spurt in the next 3 weeks. Growth ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate so I'm trying not to get too hung up on the numbers and just praying that she keeps growing and the placenta keeps doing its job. If not, then we'll deliver early and have a little, but likely healthy, baby. She looked beautiful on the ultrasound - she's already headdown and was sucking her thumb. She was also pracitcing her breathing which is a great sign that her lungs are developing.

Anyways - if anyone has suggestions for great websites, hobbies, books, etc. to keep me occupied while on bedrest I would love to hear them! Thanks for all your prayers and I'll post updates twice a week.

We're getting close!!

2009-04-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we only have 2 months left - it's crazy how fast this has flown by. I feel like the next 2 months are either going to drag out forever though or go by in a flash. Not sure which I would prefer either...Anyways, we're leaving today for Michgina for my 2nd baby shower - this is with my husband's family. I don't know many of them but it should be a fun time! We've also completed the nursery so I attached some pictures. I'm feeling good - my Dr's appoitment last week went fine, nothing new to report. I'm thinking about asking for an ultrasound at my appoitment next week. I think it'll help with some of my anxiety. I just want to see that she's growing ok, the cord isn't wrapped around her neck, etc. My Dr. is pretty understanding so I think she'll be ok with it.

Anyways, here are the pictures of our nursery!

And here's a picture of my big tummy at 31w5d. I cannot believe that she's going to double in size in the next 8 weeks!!

29 weeks - and a belly shot!

2009-04-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Things are good here - nothing too new to report. But I took a picture of my tummy on Monday so I thought I would share. I've been feeling especially big lately - and I think I'm waddling when I walk. :( So here it is, my 29 week picture:

Baby Shower!!

2009-03-30T17:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had my first baby shower and it was wonderful! It was thrown by a friend from work, there were about 18 girls there. It was so incredible...I just couldn't believe that it was for me! I got so many wonderful gifts too. My friend Tracey knitted me a beautiful yellow blanket, my friend Christy knitted a baby bib that's so cute. I got a lot of cute clothes, bath stuff, a device that plays different sounds to help the baby fall asleep, a baby/toddler tub...just a lot of great things. It was such a wonderful day - my baby is so lucky! Here's a few pictures...

Mama at 28 weeks

The gift table

Some of the gifts

I passed!!!!

2009-03-30T15:12:00.001-07:00

The nurse called and said my glucose level was 123 - I needed to be under 140 to pass. YES!!!! Such a relief!!! She also said my iron was really good and that I don't need to take the iron supplements - which is good because I think they were making me sick.

So all in all I am a healthy pregnant lady! Now I just gotta keep it up for 10 more weeks and hopefully I'll have a healthy baby girl to bring home.

Good appoitment yesterday!

2009-03-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

Things were good yesterday! I had to take the glucose challenge test to test for gestational diabetes (everyone takes this test around 24-28 weeks). Basically I had to drink a sugar-concentrated drink in 5 minutes and then get my blood tested an hour later. The drink was no big deal – it tasted like semi-flat orange pop. It was a little hard to drink that much liquid in 5 minutes though – lots of burping afterwards. I don’t get my results til Monday so I don’t know if I passed yet. My stomach was measuring perfect at 27cm so that was good - baby and uterus seem to be measuring perfectly. And I only gained 4 lbs for the month (actually 5 weeks) for a total of 14 lbs! So that was surprising – maybe my scale at home is busted. I was still only supposed to gain 15 total so that’s not going to happen but 14 lbs in 28 weeks isn’t bad. I had to see the nurse practioner b/c all but 1 Dr. in the practice (7 total) were delivering babies. They said it was a madhouse in L/D – every room was full! Yikes!!! Heartbeat was 148 which is pretty consistent with where it’s been all along. So it was a good appt! I start coming every 2-3 weeks now until 36 weeks and then every week for the last month. She said overall I’m low risk and should just relax! Yeah....I'll try!

Tomorrow is my first baby shower! I'm so excited - I can't believe it's actually for me!! It's being hosted by a friend from work and I think there are about 20 girls coming - all friends from Naperville, MIlwaukee, and work. It should be a fun time!!! I'll psot some pictures later this week!

2009-03-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted a belly pic in a while...so here goes. I guess one could say that I've popped a bit. But I still get a lot of surprised looks when I say I'm having a baby in 3 months.

Taken today at 27 weeks:

As a reminder, here's my picture at 9 weeks:

90 Day Eviction Notice

2009-03-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

Listen up baby Jozwiak...

NOTICE OF EVICTION:
I am issuing 90 day notice for EVICTION. Tenant will have 90 days in which she can either gather her belongings and promptly vacate the premises, or wait until the final day. After which, she will be physically removed from the property.

She's being evicted due to breech of contract and destruction of property. Expansions only to the FRONT of the house, within reasonable limits, were discussed. Not only have these limits been exceeded, but additions to the back of the house were also made!

Remodeling and gutting of the home was never approved, nor was changing the initial layout and base structure. And due to property damage, there are now leaks in both the upper AND lower levels of the home. On top of which, the landlord has received numerous complaints about nightly disturbances.

After 90 days from this day that she doesn't comply with the notice will result in immediate and forceful removal at my discretion.

Love, Mommy

99 days to go!!!! Let the countdown begin!

2009-03-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

My ticker says it all - there are 99 days to go until this baby pops out (well, give or take 2 weeks). I can't believe it's so close!!

Here are a few pictures I took of our nursery. It's still coming along - all the big pieces are there and I have a ton of clothes. We have so many cute clothes already - she's going to be the very best dressed baby in the neighborhood!

Crib and Bedding:

Chair

Changing Table

Closet w/ super cute baby clothes

Dresser w/ more cute clothes

New Baby Pictures!

2009-03-10T10:06:00.001-07:00

I had a 3D ultrasound this weekend and it was awesome. Here are 2 of the best pictures...

My smiling little girl:

24 WEEKS - YES!!!!!!!

2009-03-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

This is a very important day for me and the baby - 24 weeks. The odds aren't great yet, but I could deliver this baby and she would have a chance of surviving outside the womb. It's unbelievable to me! I found this table online, which explains it a little better. Only 3 more weeks to go until 27 weeks - at which point the odds are very good for the baby's survival. Of course the baby is at a high risk for complications when delivered early and we are praying that she continues to keep baking until atleast May! But it's reassuring to know that we've reached such a big milestone!

22 weeks or less: 0% survival rate
23 weeks: 0-10% survival rate
24 weeks: 40% survival rate
25 weeks: 50% survival rate
26 weeks: 80% survival rate
27 weeks: greater than 90% survival rate

Otherwise things are going well here. I'm definitely starting to show more - my non-maternity shirts are looking way too short and a little weird now. But I don't have any long-sleeve maternity shirts and it's still cold outside. But I'm trying to stretch my regular wardrobe to last me atleast a few more weeks or until the weather finally warms up. I've been feeling more movement too which is fun. It still comes and goes though - yesterday was a lot but today not so much. So that's a little unsettling but I can still listen with my doppler when I get worried. The nursery is coming along too - John put the crib together and it looks great. It's so weird to see a crib in the house though - I'm not used to it yet. It'll be even weirder when there's a baby in it!

Saw a kick from the outside!!!

2009-02-24T09:20:00.001-08:00

So I'm totally not supposed to be blogging while at work but my baby is kicking up a storm right now and for the first time I can see it from the outside!!! It's so crazy I can't believe what I'm looking at. Sooooooo coool!!!!

Ok back to work.

23 weeks - and a belly shot

2009-02-22T06:58:00.001-08:00

I am not looking forward to my appoitment tomorrow. I'm sure the Dr. is going to yell at me about gaining weight. As of this morning I'm up a total of 8 lbs at 23 weeks - which may not sound like very much but I was only supposed to gain 10 total. And it seems unlikely that I'll go from now until June with a 2lb gain. So it is what it is I guess. I've been trying to eat healthy but I'm hungry all the time - like 45 minutes after I've eaten something I'm already hungry again. My stomach was growling so loud this monring it startled my dog - it's ridiculous! I've been trying to incorporate more protein - which is not easy for me for some reason. It's not that I don't like meat but I just don't cook with it a lot. I get most of my protein from nuts and dairy - which isn't bad, but I should get more I think. So tonight I'm making a chicken and spinach casserole that I found in a Parenting magazine. Yum-o!!

Otherwise things are going well. The baby is kicking more every day - she gave me 3 good taps this morning, probably because my growling stomach was keeping her awake. Tomorrow is just a routine check-up with the Dr, so I'm not expecting any exciting news. At my next appoitment I'll have the gestational diabetes test, but that's not for another 4 weeks. So I guess that's it! We're just killing time it seems. John's going to set up the crib next week so I'll post some pictures soon. We don't have a mattress though so I won't be able to put it all together just yet. But it'll be weird to see a crib in the house! Even weirder when there's a baby in it...but that's for later. :)

And, here's my latest 22w4d belly picture, next to my 7week picture. Definetly bigger but not a cute basketball belly yet.

Happy "due date" to baby #3

2009-02-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today was my due date for baby #3. It's been less painful than due dates 1 and 2 - probably because I'm still pregnant. It's the first time any of my pregnancies have overlapped - which seems weird but probably isn't. This also seems like the end to a really bad chapter. I tend to group babies 1,2,and 3 together - separate from baby 4, for obvious reasons. So now my due dates for 1, 2, and 3 have all passed and I feel like maybe I can move on a little bit. I'll probably always remember their due dates (5/26, 10/12, 2/15) and think of them on this day (I also wear my charm bracelet with their due date charms on this day). But, as I've said before, I choose to look at their deaths as a means to baby 4. Without the presence and then loss of babies 1, 2, and 3 there would be no baby 4.

In other news, I've fairly sure I've felt the baby kick for the last couple days. It definetly kicked the doppler this morning while I was listening to her heartbeat. It's only a few times a day but it's pretty cool. I'm still not showing all that much but when I wear maternity clothes I do think I look a little more pregnant. So I've incorporated a few maternity shirts into my closet - if only just to make myself feel better and look pregnant. It seems stupid to intentionally wear maternity shirts that I don't need just to look pregnant but I don't care. It makes me feel better. We've been reading to the baby everynight - John reads "Green Eggs and Ham" and I read "God Gave Us You". John also made me a CD for the baby so we've been listening to that daily - putting the headphones on my tummy. It'll be funny to see if the baby actually recognizes the songs later on!

Maybe baby?

2009-02-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

I've been having weird little twinges all afternoon and I don't really know what they are. I wouldn't call them cramps...they're more like little pulses or twinges. They only last a second or two but they're frequent, every few minutes. I don't think they're Braxton Hicks contractions...not that I've ever had a BH contraction so I don't really know what they feel like. But from what I've read they don't really sound like what I'm feeling. So I don't know if I'm feeling the baby kick - but that seems to be the consensus online (I asked on my message boards). So maybe my baby has started kicking a bit? We'll see if it continues.

Otherwise things are going well. I got a bedding set which is sooooo cute I can't believe it. I do feel like it's a bit early and I don't want to jinx anything. But on the other hand I feel like I've waited a really long time to be excited about a baby and it's so fun to shop for her. I know I have a long ways to go and lots of things could still go wrong...but what can I do? There are several girls who are not doing ANYTHING until the baby is actually born. They're not buying a crib, clothes, nothing. That seems a bit extreme. And it doesn't guarantee that something won't go wrong the day the baby is born. Or 2 days later. I'm not generally a superstitious person - although I do wear the exact same jewelery (pearl earrings, moonstone cross, miscarriage bracelet) to every Dr. appointment and I bring my moonstone gems in my purse. Anyways, here's my bedding set. It's very bright - like a raspberry color with yellow, green, lighter pink. It's beautiful and I'm so excited!

20 Weeks. Wow.

2009-02-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I just can't believe it. I don't know what else to say. There were so many times in the last year that I never thought I'd get here. There were a lot of times that I wanted to quit and give up and just lay in bed and cry and cry and cry (which I did quite a lot of). But in the back of my mind I just never really believed that this was it for me. I always wondered what if I quit and the next time would have been "the one". But now it seems sooooooo worth it. I can't change what happened and maybe someday I'll better understand why it had to happen...but if it hadn't, I wouldn't be pregnant right now with my little girl. I'd have an 8 month old, or a 5 month old, or be 39 weeks pregnant. But those babies weren't this baby. I wasn't meant to have those babies. And I really truly believe that I am meant to have this baby. All those other losses led me to this - it's the ultimate silver lining.

So here's to 20 weeks. Only 20 more to go.

Ultrasound Picture

2009-01-30T15:37:00.000-08:00

Our Baby Girl at 18w5d!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

2009-01-27T14:56:00.000-08:00

The Ultrasound today was great. We saw the baby moving all around and all bundled up in a ball - just like she always is. And, yes, I mean SHE. It's a girl!!! I just can't believe it - we are so excited!

Pregnancy Glitter Graphics

A belly shot update

2009-01-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

Here's another updated belly shot...I still don't see a difference! The one on the left is 9w3d, the one on the right is 18w3d. Where is the baby hiding???

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

2009-01-22T17:52:00.000-08:00

I've posted this before and I don't remember where I found it (I didn't write it though) but I just love it!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Ramblings....

2009-01-22T16:47:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting on the couch for John to come back with my oreo and cookie dough blizzard from DQ so I thought I'd write some thoughts. Things are good here - no new news to report. Still not showing, although I am up 1.5lbs (for a total weight gain of 1.5lbs). I weigh myself everyday and it fluctuates +/- 2 lbs - but it's been pretty consistently up a pound for the last few days so maybe baby had a growth spurt. Or maybe I shouldn't have this blizzard. I told my friend Georgia today that I was pregnant and she was completely stunned. She said "you're so lucky that you're not showing yet!". I don't feel lucky but I'm tired of worrying about it. I know the baby is in there - I can only assume that it's still growing correctly. So I'm not going to complain anymore about my lack of pregnant belly.

I'm getting excited for the US on Tuesday. I can't believe we might find out the sex - yikes! Then I'll really have to accept that there's actually a baby in there. I think I'm having trouble connecting a bit because I can't see it or feel it but I'm hoping that changes when I can atleast call it a he or a she. I can start visualizing what it will look like, picking out things to buy, etc. I don't know what we'll do if they can't tell. I guess we could pay to have a 3D one done - there's a place in Milwaukee but I can't go until 26 weeks. Or there's a few in Chicago that we could go to earlier. I'm just hoping the baby cooperates - just for a second so we can see the goods. And above all else, I pray every night that everything is where it's supposed to be. 4 heart chambers, 2 brain sides, a spine with no holes, a kidney, stomach, bladder, 2 arms, 2 legs...everything just perfect. And the money shot. That's all I want.

So John is back with my delicious Blizzard and it's calling my name! Yay!! I have the best husband ever!

Family

2009-01-18T13:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but lately I've been thinking about our family and welcoming our baby into it. I've been thinking about how we'll tell our children about the other babies that I lost before she arrived. I've been thinking about telling them about their Uncle Steve whom they'll never meet. I've also been thinking about how different their family will be than mine was. When I think of family it's not just limited to our "primary" family - I always thought of it in terms of Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. We just had such a big family of Renauer's - and they were always so involved in everything that it just seemed natural. Like that's how everyone's family was. But I have to accept that my family won't really be like that. John's brothers aren't married...and I'm not sure there is any chance of that changing in the forseeable future. If they don't get married my children will never have an Aunt. The thought is just crazy to me - especially becuase I'm so close to my aunts. I've got 7 aunts and I'm close with all of them - Jean, Rosanne, Sandy, Caryn, Sue, Deb, Kim. If I have a daughter it will make me so sad to think they won't have that same experience. Even crazier - if John's brothers don't have kids my kids won't have cousins! My cousins are so spread out in age and location that it's hard to be really close with any of them but I can't imagine not having cousins. I know I can't change this situation but it's something I've been thinking about. So we're prepared to make some concessions. We're going to pretend that my youngest cousins are also my children's cousins. We're also going to have my kids call my aunts "Aunt" even though they're not really their aunts. And I'm going to insist that some of my girlfriends go by "Aunt". I know it's not really the same but it's all I got.

We have a stubborn little baby - no surprise!

2009-01-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

I had my US last Friday and everything went really good. My cervix was measuring 6.5 cm - which my Dr. said is the longest she'd ever seen! She also said it could mean I need a c-section - but I don't know how she could know that this early. But it's a really good sign that it's so long and not funneling.

Then the US tech took a look at the baby and everything was really good. It was so cute - playing with its little toes and hands. I told her to feel free to tell us if she saw any boy or girl parts on the US but she couldn't tell. The baby was all curled up again and wouldn't show us. Oh well - we have another US scheduled for 1/27. That will be the big level 2 ultrasound where they measure all the organs and look closely at the heart and stuff. So hopefully my little baby will cooperate for once! This is the second US where it hasn't moved in the right position! My NT scan was a bust and now this. But of course I am just so happy that it was in there moving around and playing and looking healthy.

We also decided not to do the Quad Screen. My Dr. said I might be the only person she's ever strongly counseled not to do the test. It's basically a screening of my blood to check for certain markers - then they compare my levels against the "norms" and if the levels are abnormal they can mean a chance of genetic defects (Downs, Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13). The problem is they have a huge false positive rate. And given my tendency to obsess and worry...it could send me over the deep end if the levels weren't perfect. And I don't really want to risk an amnio based on an inaccurate screening. So we agreed to do the Level 2 US and check everything really carefully. Then if she sees something that is out of place we can do the screening and see if anything comes back elevated. If so, then we can talk about doing an amnio. I think that sounded like a good plan. I'm not really worried about genetic defects though, surprisingly. I really feel like my body knows what to do when something is wrong. Why would it spontaneously abort 2 (and maybe 3) babies with chromosome problems but not do it a 4th time? Plus, given my age, I'm not at a high risk for Downs Syndrome. And Trisomy 18 and 13 typically have other problems (club feet, cleft palette, etc) that would be obvious on the ultrasound and we should be able to catch it.

So anyways - that's the plan. We are listening to the heartbeat every few nights and I'm still waiting for my stomach to show some signs of a baby in there. My pants are feeling a little tighter - I unknowingly walked around the office today with them unbuttoned (thankfully my shirt was long). So hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be popping out a bit more. And then a few weeks after that I'll start complaining about being too big. :)

A small victory (and a small post)

2009-01-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

Today I had a little mini victory. I have a folder in my Internet favorites that's titled "Miscarriage". Today I renamed it "Pregnancy". It's stupid and doesn't mean anything to anyone but me but it was important to me. Until now pregnancy has always equalled miscarriage so it seemed like a reasonable title for my folder. But I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, stop living in the past, etc. with the cliches. And that was a little step in that direction. I will never ever forget my 3 other babies and think of them often. And someday we'll have to tell our child (or children) that there were others before them and that they're a small part of our family too. But I can't live in that place forever. I don't want to anymore.

Yum

2009-01-06T15:57:00.001-08:00

My appetite is out of control. I've never been one to forget to eat and I've always had a big appetite but this is crazy. My metabolism must be super high though because it seems like no mater what I eat the scale stays the same. I'm sure that will change soon but for now I'm enjoying it. For the first time ever I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight - it's crazy! I'm trying to eat healthy snacks though - yogurt, granola bars, fruit. I'm not really craving anything specific - maybe carbs in general. Bagels and frozen waffles sound especially good all the time.

In other news, I'm having an ultrasound on Friday. My spotting seems to have finally stopped a few days ago which is such a relief. But I still have a lot of discharge - which I think is normal. But I'm a little worried about an incompetent cervix because of my 2 d&c's. My Dr. said that the d&c's wouldn't affect anything and they checked my cervix last Monday and it looked ok. But I called the nurse today and said I was concerned so she scheduled an ultrasound just to check. They can measure the cervical length on the ultrasound and make sure it's greater than 3.5 (whatever that means). So that will make me feel a lot better (assuming it's ok). And maybe, just maybe, we can find out the gender too. Yikes!!!!!! So listen up again baby, if you could just show mommy and daddy what you've got between your little legs, we would be so happy. But if not, that's ok too. But there's some really good sales right now and I can't buy anything because it's all pink or blue. But if you're not ready to show me I'll be ok. Really. And either way, pink or blue, I'll be ok. But I'd really really like it if it was pink. :)

My (not so) expanding tummy

2009-01-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

Every Saturday morning since week 7 I've been taking a picture of my stomach to show its transformation. After 9 weeks of pictures, I'm disappointed to say the transformation is...well...pretty lame.

The picture on the left was taken at 7w3d on 11/17/08, the picture on the right taken this morning at 15w3d 1/3/09. I actually think the November picture looks bigger than the January picture - maybe it's just the way I'm standing though.

So baby, listen up - anytime you want to help my tummy pop out a little bit would be great. Otherwise noone will ever know that I'm pregnant!

Why am I still spotting?????

2009-01-01T18:16:00.001-08:00

Ugh - I'm tired of this. I just want a normal, stress-free pregnancy - is that so much to ask? I've been spotting on and off since 8 weeks but I was really hoping that it would go away once I went off the progesterone - which I did a week ago. It seemed to stop for a few days but then I had my pap and exam on Monday and now it's back. The nurse said that I probably would so I'm trying not to worry. Plus I know she felt my cervix (I asked her to check that it was closed) and any kind of irritation up there can lead to spotting. It's just nerve-wracking. I'm trying not to be a crazy lady and listen to the heartbeat everyday - although it's been a lifesaver to know that I can hear it. We can find it pretty quickly now - within a minute or two. But I'm worried that it will make the baby deaf or soemthing so I'm really trying to limit its use to once or twice a week. But it's hard when every time I go to the bathroom there's bloody mucuous (sorry, tmi). We just listened yesteray and it was in there beating away and a nice quick pace so I know the baby was alive yesterday. It's really unlikely that it's not still in there, right? I am not going to listen tonight...I am not going to listen tonight...

I'll probably listen tomorrow. :)

Feeling a bit like a phony...

2008-12-31T06:04:00.000-08:00

Seeing as how I've never been 15 weeks pregnant, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. But I don't really feel pregnant. I certainly don't look pregnant either - which I suspect is the cause of my anxiety. I just really thought that women looked pregnant at 15 weeks. My pants feel slightly tight - especially after I eat - but they still fit. I can't feel the baby move either - although I think it's still a bit early for that. My Dr. isn't worried - she said it's ok to not gain weight yet or be showing - probably in the next month it'll start to pick up. I just feel stupid telling people I'm pregnant - I feel like they look at me like "really?" I went to Babies R Us the other day and several obviuosly pregnant women were there and I totally felt like I didn't belong. I can't buy anything because we don't know if it's a girl or a boy so I just wandered aroudn the store, nto really sure what I was looking at. I have no idea what we need - do we need a swing, a bouncy seat, and a rocking thing? Or will just 1 of those be ok? Why do all the cribs come with bumpers when I thought you're not supposed to use bumpers b/c of SIDS? Why are there 100 sizes of bottles? Do I need all of them right away or not until later? How many do I need? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I feel like a total idiot.

I am also really anxious about actually having the baby...I'm basically worried I won't know what to do at all. Of course we're going to take the Birthing class at the hospital but I'm not sure how helpful that's going to be. Plus I don't really know a lot of people who've given birth naturally before - only my aunt Caryn and my MIL. So my mom (who had 2 c-sections) probably won't be that much help (sorry mom) and my husband...well who knows. I'm sure he'll be emotionally supportive but he's not going to know what it's like. Which brings me to the doula. I didn't really know a lot about them before this week and I'm still doing my research but I'm really excited about what I read so far. They literally seem custom made for someone like me. Here's a little bit about what a doula does:

-offers practical suggestions for comfort, pain management, and to enhance the progress of labor.
-helps ease the transition to the hospital, ensuring continuity of care through changing nursing shifts and alternating physician or midwife schedules
-serves as a liaison between the laboring couple and their medical care providers to facilitate communication and decision making
meets with expectant couples during pregnancy to understand their plans for the birth and to offer resources and information
-is a woman who understands and trusts the process of birth, and who has experience and training in providing labor support
-encourages and supports the informed choices of her clients and serves women giving birth in a variety of settings
wo-rks with the family to inspire confidence in a woman's ability to give birth in her own best way.

There are a couple faciliiltes in Racine and Milwaukee that offer doula services and I'm going to start contacting them. Hopefully we can find someone great!

Pictures

2008-12-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

Here is a little timeline of ultrasound pictures taken in the first trimester:

7w4d

8w4d

10w4d

12w4d

So...umm...I may have forgot to mention...

2008-12-26T07:59:00.000-08:00

I'M PREGNANT!!! Actually I'm 14 weeks pregnant!

I haven't blogged about it because we didn't tell our family until Christmas but now that the cat is out of the bag I wanted to write about it.

It's been a really long hard few months. I am still surprised to wake up every morning and find myself still pregnant. I went to every appoitment convinced that it would be the last. I spent most of the 1st trimester just waiting for the other shoe to drop, not wanting to celebrate or even really talk about the baby. There were lots of "if I'm still pregnant" or "if there's a baby". But every week the baby would still be there kicking away on the monitor. I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks so we have a pretty cool view of what the baby looked like throughout the first trimester. The heartrate has always been really good too. The only problems were my progesterone which fell dramatically at 8weeks and the spotting I've had on and off since 8 weeks (not sure if the 2 are related). But they couldn't ever find a cause for the spotting and my low progesterone didn't seem to affect anything. So who knows!

So now I'll be back to blogging about the pregnancy weekly and posting updated pictures. The next big milestone is the 1st week in February when we find out the sex of the baby! And then the 1st week in March when I'll be 24 weeks and the baby is capable of surviving on its own if anything should go wrong.

So now I'm just trying to figure out how to be in the 2nd trimester. This is unchartered territory for me - my "oldest" baby only lived to 9 weeks so we are well past that milestone. I've never been anywhere near this pregnant before and I'm finding that comes with a whole new set of worries. Just off the top of my head I'm worried about the following:

Weight gain - I haven't gained a lb so far, even after a week long Christmas break! I'm only supposed to gain 15 lbs total so this is a good start but I'm worried that maybe I should've gained something by now.

Baby bump - I'm not showing at all. All my regular clothes still fit. You would think this would be a good thing but I'm of course worried that it's not "normal".

I'm sick - I have a cold and can't take anything for it. I know it's very common to be sick in pregnancy b/c of my weakened immune system but it sucks.

Going off progesterone - I stopped my 2x a day progesterone supplements a few days ago. I know the placenta has kicked in by now but I keep wondering if the progesterone was keeping the baby alive and now that I'm not taking it...

Spotting - I've been spotting on and off for about 6 weeks now. The Dr's can't find a reason for it and I thought maybe it was from the progesterone. It's not heavy at all - most times you wouldn't even notice if you weren't looking for it. But it's still worrisome.

And then there's all the other stuff. I've recently realized that I don't know anything about babies. I don't know how often they eat, sleep, etc. Can they eat too much? Sleep too much? I'm worried I've had too many ultrasounds and my baby will have autism. I'm worried I won't know what to do when I go into labor. What if I don't know I'm in labor? What if the baby just falls out in the bathroom? What if we don't know what to do when we bring the baby home? And on and on and on. So I'm trying not to think about all that stuff and only worry about the things that I actually have good cuase to worry about. Which at this point is really nothing. I just had an US last Wednesday and everything was fine. Except that my stubborn baby wouldn't flip over so we could take a measurement of him or her!

The only thing worse than doing this is not doing this

2008-11-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving and I've been reflecting on the last year. Last Thanksgiving I was 2weeks post my first miscarriage. I was supposed to cook dinner for my in-laws and ended up cancelling the whole thing. John and I had pizza and went to Chicago on Friday instead. And I remember at the time being so full of hope for the future. I remember telling people that having "only" one miscarriage is common and so unlikely to repeat. I was sure that my next pregnancy would be successful. I had no idea about the rest of the year to come. Would I have kept trying if I knew what the outcome would be? I was reading a book (just a random mystery novel) the other night and there was a line "The only thing worse than doing this is not doing this" - it was in referecne to the character taking medicine for MS. But it has been stuck in my head for days now. It just rang so true for me. The only thing worse than the disappointment of my pregnancies, is the thought of having no pregnancies at all. The thought of not trying anymore. As long as we're trying there's always a chance that the next one could be "the one".

Anyways, in honor of Thanksgiving, I'd like to say thanks for the following things:

1. The chance to try again. So many of my friends can't get pregnant or struggle for years - so far we haven't had that problem. I get pregnant easily and without effort, and while I never planned on being pregnant 3 times in a year I have to be grateful for the opportunity.
2. My friends and family. They don't always say the right things but they mean well and have been a big support this year.
3. My hubby - for being so supportive and sensitive. I drive him crazy but he's still here, willing to give it another shot.
4. My puppy - for making me laugh and being my very best friend.

So here's to another Thanksgiving. I hope 2009 has an extra space at the table for baby Jozwiak, God willing.

Learning to let go

2008-10-21T15:59:00.001-07:00

The last 2 weeks have been weird for me. I haven't really felt like posting...I just haven't had anything to say. I think I just feel a little better about things. Like I've made peace with it. I can't change things and I can't control everything - in fact, in the grand scheme of things I can control very little. Maybe that's what this has all been about - learning to give up control. Learning that I can only do the best I can and then you just have to let go. And maybe leave it to a higher power. I just don't think I can force this to happen anymore - and would I want to force it? I don't know what's in store for us but I'm learning to just let it come.

Happy "Birthday" Baby #2

2008-10-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my due date for baby #2.

It's hard not to think about what would've been. I feel like she was my closest chance so far...baby #1 never had a heartbeat, baby #3 was so deformed we can't even tell if it was a girl or a boy. But baby #2 hung on for 12 weeks - my longest so far, just 1 week shy of the second trimester. Baby #2 could've lived - there are girls out there with Turner's Syndrome. But Turner's Syndrome sounds terrible...not a life I would want my daughter to live. And so I feel like my miscarriage was a blessing in disguise, but it's still hard. I don't know why she couldn't have just been normal. Why it couldn't have just been perfect.

So tomorrow I'll say a special prayer for my baby. For 10 short weeks you lived inside me. I saw your heartbeat and your little hands on the ultrasound. I don't know why you had to die but we loved you, I promise.

Jealousy rears its ugly head...

2008-10-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

I took a peak at my old message board - www.whattoexpect.com - just to check on a few of my friends. My friend Kim is pregnant - and has made it to 18weeks and just found out she's having a girl. It just sucked the wind out of me. I don't why...well I do, I'm just jealous. But it's so stupid - Kim had 2 losses and deserves this as much as anyone. But maybe not me? Why couldn't my 3rd have been "the one"? Or my 2nd? Or my 1st? Sometimes it's just too much to take, I want to give up and not try anymore. I don't know why it has to be like this, why some have it so easy and I don't. Why I have to be poked and proded and examined and get my heartbroken over and over and over again. Get my hopes up just to have them crushed. I will never look at a positive pregnancy test the same way - this has sucked all the hope and excitement out of everything. The thought of being pregnant again fills me with dread and anxiety - I just don't know if I can do it again. It's just too hard.

All about luck...

2008-10-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

I got a message from the nurse today saying that the results from John's testing came back normal. She couldn't tell me the exact numbers (stupid HIPPA rules) but she said they were normal. I'll have John call tomorrow to get the details. But I guess that's it. My eggs are normal and John's "swimmers" are normal, so that just leaves luck, right? John and I are just incredibly, unbelievably unlucky. That kinda sucks. In fact that really sucks. I think others would say that it's better than having something "wrong" with me...but you can't change your luck, can you? My mom bought me a Lucky Bamboo plant - maybe that'll help! And I've been reading The Secret and The Key - both books on thinking positive and changing your environment to encourage more positive experiences. Some of it sounds a little kooky but it's interesting.

So if anyone has any suggestions for changing your luck, I would love to hear them!

Being happy for other's...

2008-10-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

For the last few months I have avoided everything baby - I don't smile at babies anymore, I don't look at cute baby clothes, nothing. It's just too hard mostly - I always think of what would've been, what I should be buying but can't (or don't have any reason to). But my friend Patty is pregnant and I'm throwing her a baby "sprinkle" - it's like a mini-shower. It's her 3rd baby so she doesn't really need a full-on shower, but it'd be nice to do something small I think. So I'm throwing it for her. And surprisingly, it's not that hard. I spent today looking at invitations online and it didn't really make me sad or jealous...it doesn't really have anything to do with me. Her baby and her pregnancy has nothing to do with me. It sucks that I've had bad luck and others have been more fortunate, but that's not her problem. And I don't want to alienate myself from my pregnant friends. I want to be happy for them.

So anyways, I was really surpriesed that shopping for invitations didn't send me into a crying fit! I think that's a good sign. I think I"m just tired of being sad about this all - I want to go back to being happy about babies. I saw the cutest baby today at the grocery store and I smiled at her and she smiled back. It made me a little sad but it also made me smile. So I guess I'll take that for now.

Testing, part 2:

2008-09-27T18:35:00.001-07:00

And the results are in...drumroll please...I'm totally normal. :)

The results from the Clomid Challenge test show that all is well with my hormones and presumably my eggs. Everything was well within the normal ranges - not even close to the edge - so there's no reason to think there's anything wrong with my eggs (except those 3 pesky miscarriages of course).

Day 3: FSH = 7.42, E2 = 41.9
Day 10: FSH = 6.23, E2 = 449

The FSH levels should both be below 10 and the day 3 E2 should be below 50.

I haven't talked to the Dr. yet but I suspect this is it for my fertility testing. We'll just try again and hope for some better luck. I guess I'm happy about the results - the alternative was a scary world of donor eggs and IVF. A world we may still have to enter someday, but for now our own parts seem to be working ok - atleast on paper. So I need to let the clomid exit my system - or risk twins, triplets, or more - and then I guess we'll think about trying again. The thought makes me more sad than happy...not sure if that'll change over time. I don't know if I'm ready to start trying again - but I feel like we should soon. I'll be 30 next year and my "clock" is ticking as they say. Tick tock tick toc...

Testing, part 1:

2008-09-21T16:59:00.001-07:00

Went to see Dr. Hayes on Friday and everything went well. They did the ultrasound, which was surprisingly painful. Not really painful...but uncomfortable. She was angling it weird and it just felt really uncomfortable. But she found both of my ovaries and they both looked good - no cysts or abnormalities. She did see a small spot on my uterus - she thought it could be a polyp but wasn't sure. I'll ask again next week when I see her but she didn't seem concerned. They took some blood - only took 2 stabs to find a vein - so that was good!

Later the nurse called and said my hormone levels (E2 and FSH) were normal. I think we said the numbers were FSH-7 and E2-40something but I don't totally remember. Anyways, she said they were good levels and I should fill my prescription for Clomid. The Clomid is going to overstimulate my ovaries for a few days and then I go back next weekend to recheck the levels.

So hopefully everything comes back normal and then that'll be it for the testing I think. Unless tehy come back abnormal and then I don't know what we'll do. But, in the words of my wise husband "we'll worry about that when we have to".

Break-time? Finally?

2008-09-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

I've reached the inevitable point after a miscarriage where I'm tired of reading about miscarriage. For the first few weeks (or months) I inundate myself with knowledge - trying to make sense of things probably. I go on messgage boards daily and sypathize with others going thru this, reading about thier losses and experiences, telling them about mine. And I really think that for a time it's therapuetic for me. But I seem to reach a point where that stops and it becomes draining for me. I can't read anymore about the new miscarriages or new testing. I try to be happy for my firends that are now pregnant - Meghan, Kim, Tessica, Dawn, Lisa - but in truth, I'm not really. I don't wish them any ill-will of course and I wish that their pregnancies go perfectly...but of course I wish I was still one of them. But I'm not and so I don't want to hear about their ultrasounds and growing bellies. It's jsut too much. So I don't read the posts about miscarriages and I don't read the posts about the pregnancies...and soon I find myself not going on the message boards at all. I think I'm finally ready for that self-imposed break I'm supposed to be taking. It just took 2 months for me to get here I guess.

OMG!!!!

2008-09-11T15:31:00.001-07:00

I was at the Dr. today - the Reproductive Endocrinologist Dr. Hayes. I went to the bathroom which had great lighting and was looking in the mirror when to my dismay I found...A GRAY HAIR!!!! Right there in the middle of my head - clear as day. I couldn't believe it - what the hell is that??? I'm 29 years old - what if I go gray like next year? Ugh...now I'm obsessed with finding others.

Anyways, my appt. with Dr. Hayes actually went really well. Her staff was super nice and Dr. Hayes seemed to really listen to me. She had read my file before I got there so she knew a little about me but still listened to my "story". She is scheduling a test called the Clomid Challenge - which will attempt to evaluate the number and quality of the eggs that I make every month. Here's a little description...

Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test
Women are born with their lifetime supply of eggs within the ovaries. Each month follicles, each of which contains one egg, are recruited under the influence of follicle stimulating hormone. One follicle will become dominant, develop to maturity, and be ovulated.

Ovarian reserve is a measure of the “quality” of the eggs remaining within the ovaries. Ovarian reserve naturally declines as a woman ages and approaches the menopause. However, diminished reserve can occur in younger women due to perimenopause, genetics, or for unknown reasons.
In the standard infertility evaluation, levels of the hormones FSH, LH, and estradiol are measured on day 3. An elevated FSH level on day 3 is one indication of poor ovarian reserve or that the menopause is approaching.
The clomiphene citrate challenge test (CCCT) provides an additional assessment of ovarian reserve. It is performed by measuring the day 3 FSH and estradiol levels, the patient takes 100 mg of Clomid on cycle days 5-9, and her FSH is measured again on day 10. The test is abnormal if either the day 3 or day 10 FSH values are elevated or if the day 3 estradiol is greater than 80 pg/ml.

A poor CCCT test, regardless of patient age, indicates that their will be a decreased response to injectable FSH in assisted reproductive technology cycles. Pregnancy success rates are very low in these women and there is an increased chance of miscarriage.

Many infertility treatment centers do not offer IVF to women who have a poor clomiphene citrate challenge test result. IVF using donor eggs or adoption are usually the best options for these couples.

The first part of the test will be done in another week or so and then another week after that so I should have results in the next few weeks. And then that'll be it. Dr. Hayes said she wouldn't recommend any more testing given my history. So at the very least we'll get some more information and be better prepared for the next time.

A Poem I Found...

2008-09-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Numbers...

2008-09-07T08:05:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what triggered it but the last few days have been really hard. I just feel like this is never going to end, that we'll never have a baby, I'll never be happy like I used to be. I just don't understand why this is happening to us. I know in my head that sometimes things just aren't fair but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I just keep remember how happy we were when we first found out we were pregnant - and how terribly things have changed since then. It's been almost 1 year since I got my first positive pregnancy test. And yet here I am...literally dozens of pregnancy tests later without a baby. That got me thinking about some numbers...

30 - Number of pregnancy tests taken to date (approx)
5 - Ultrasounds
3 - Pregnancies
45 - Chromosomes baby #2 had (46 is normal)
69 - Chromosomes baby #3 had
3 - Dr's seen
28 - Age I was when we first started TTC
8 - Total months I've spent being pregnant
1 - Percent chance of having 3 miscarriages in a row due to chance
4 - Percent chance of having a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat
70 - Percent of miscarriages that are due to chromosome abnormalities
60 - Percent chance of having a successful pregnancy after 3 miscarriages

Now granted, 60% is greater than 50/50 but I still don't think those sound like great odds. It's just unbelievable to me that 1 short year after starting to try to have a baby, my odds are now just slightly better than 50/50 that it could actually happen.

Starting to get that itch again...

2008-09-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

Not that itch - eww gross! The itch to start TTC again! But I know it's too soon - we agreed to wait a few more months. But I'm starting to think about it more so I think that's a good sign. But it's scary - I'm worried about everything. So I've signed up for a meditation class starting next week. It's supposed to teach me how to relax and reduce anxiety - clearly 2 things I need to learn! I'm also thinking about starting acupuncture again. I really enjoyed it last time - except that it was so far away. There's a few places in Racine that do it so I might check them out.

I've also been thinking alot about other options and my own internal timeline for this whole baby thing. I'd like to say I'll just play it by ear, but anyone who knows me will know that I'm just not a "play it by ear" kind of girl. I need order and control - two things that are hard to come by when trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant. But I've been thinking that I think I can give it one more year and then we'll move on to something else. So potentially 2-4 more pregnancies before we call it a day and accept that the traditional way isn't meant to be. By the end of next year I'll be 30 looking at 31 and will have tried to get pregnant for 2+ years. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind next year but it's slightly reassuring to me to have a plan. So if I'm not pregnant or a mom by the end of 2009 then I think that'll be it for me. The next choices are probably:

1. In-vitro Fertilization (IVF) using my eggs, John's sperm and PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis). The PGD is used to evaluate the embryos before implantation to pick the most viable ones and check for chromosome abnormalities.
2. IVF using donor eggs and/or donor sperm
3. Surrogacy
4. Adoption

Good - a plan! It's not terribly detailed and all of the options cost in excess of $20,000 each - so we'll probably be bankrupt before we get to adoption - but it's a plan nonetheless. And I do love a good plan. :)

Feeling a bit better - finally!

2008-08-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

After an awful last week I'm finally feeling a bit better. An ultrasound on Friday showed that I had passed the remaining tissue and my bleeding has all but stopped. I'm still waiting for it to completely stop but it's almost there. This whole experience has really freaked me out though. I just keep wondering if this isn't affecting my fertility - what if I can't get pregnant anymore after this? What if my cycles never get back to normal? Getting pregnant easily is the only thing I have going for me right now...if that goes away I don't know what I'll do. My biggest fear right now is that we'll start trying again in a few months and nothing will happen. But, like everything else, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I've also been doing a lot of research about polycystic ovarian syndrome and insulin resistance. I don't think I have either of these problems...I've had my fasting glucose levels tested and they are well within normal, and I don't have any of the main symptoms of PCOS. However, there's a lot of evidence that keeping insulin levels constant can improve the quality of my eggs. So I'm now following the Insulin Resistance Diet - which is basically just linking proteins and carbs at every meal to control the blood sugar spikes and insulin levels. John and I are also taking a vitamin called Fertility Blend - there's a link on the main page of my blog. It's been shown to improve sperm and egg quality. I've also decided to see another Reproductive Endocrinologist to see if she would do any testing for PCOS - mainly to test my insulin levels again and my hormone levels (women with PCOS have elevated testosterone levels). So I'll start seeing her in September and keep you all updated.

Gettting tired of all this...

2008-08-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

It's official - I've reached my breaking point. The Dr. appoitment last week has done a number on my mental state and now my phsical state as well. **Warning - Graphic Info follows** I've been bleeding now for 35 straight days and the last few days have been awful. I had an acupuncture treatment today in hopes that it would help things along. My Dr. called and basically just said to wait it out or call if it gets really bad. But if the bleeding doesn't stop soon I'm going to get worried. I'm already feeling lightheaded and starving all day long - no matter what I eat or how often. If it doesn't stop by next week then I guess I'll call back. But in the meantime I feel like I'm in this state of limbo. How can I work on moving on when all day long I have a contstant reminder of what's happened? At this point in time after my 2nd miscarriage we were already getting ready to start trying again. It seems crazy to me now!

But what else I can do but wait and hope it works itself out? The only thing worse than this would be another d&c - the thought of another one just makes me want to die. So I'll wait and pray that it ends soon and I can start moving on.

The fun never stops...

2008-08-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

I went for my 4 week follow-up on Friday at Dr. MM and it wasn't great news. I had an ultrasound and they found some tissue still remaining - not good. They also found some free fluid - which they said could've been from a cyst that ruptured. They didn't seem super concerned about the fluid and gave me some medicine for the tissue. If it doesn't pass on it's own then I'll have to have another d&c to remove it. Ugh!!!! The thought of another one makes me want to scream...but what can I do?

I took a HPT (home pregnancy test) today and it was finally negative - which is a really good sign. It was the Dollar Store brand though - so I took another one that's Target brand and it was lightly positive - but definitely lighter than it has been the last few weeks. So that means my levels are dropping - which is really good. They need to get to zero before everything will reset itself - so the sooner the better. I'm just tired of waiting all the time - I just want it to be over so I can move on. My Dr. was very nice though - she kept making sure that we weren't going to give up and kept reassuring me that I can do this. But I'm feeling a little desperate - I just need one thing to start going my way. Just one thing and I can turn this all around. :)

My new favorite word is "Demedicalize"

2008-08-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

I saw Dr. Robb at the Milwaukee College Reproductive Medicine clinic today. He was very nice and seemed well informed about miscarriage. I explained my history but it was obvious right away that he didn't think I needed to be there. People who get treated for recurrent pregnancy loss have unexplained losses - which I don't have. My losses are very easily and nicely explained by chromosome flukes. And, as I suspected, he didn't recommend or doing any other testing. He said what they've all said - just try again.

In fact, he recommended "demedicalizing" my next pregnancy - which is something I've been considering as well. With my 3rd pregnancy I had considered not going for lab work or early ultrasounds...I just wnated to let things be. Of course, once I was actually pregnant my nerves got the best of me and I rushed to the Dr. for blood work in week 5. I took tons of vitamins, acupunture, aspirin, etc. - everything I could do. But I don't know that it really made me feel any better. So Dr. Robb recomended getting back to the basics - no crazy herbs, no baby aspirin, extra vitamins...just the regular old prenatal vitamins and a little hope. Sounds so simple, right? We'll see...

Maybe my luck is changing!

2008-08-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

In the last few days I've been looking up ways to change my luck. There are a number of wives tales...rabbit feet, four leaf clovers, pennies, etc. But what about bird poop?

I took my "little sister" Lali to the beach today on Lake Michigan and we were taking a break in the sand after jumping in the waves. So I'm laying there on my back with my eyes closed when I feel this "blob" land on my stomach...and yep, it's bird poop. Not on the legs or chest or feet - right in the middle of my stomach. So of course I scream and Lali screams and we started freaking out and jumped back in the water. But then later I was thinking that I remembered hearing that a bird pooping on you in good luck - and it was just so weird that it was right on my stomach. So I've decided to take this as a good luck sign! :)

If anyone has any other suggestions on how to change my luck I'd be happy to hear them! As long as they don't involve more bird poop!

Bad luck...really bad luck.

2008-08-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

The results of the chromosome testing are in and it was another random fluke - this time a whole other set of chromosomes - called triploidy. I really did have a feeling that it was something like this...I think that's why I was so uncomfortable with all the testing and the Dr's and I couldn't decide whcih Dr. to see. It's hard to accept that there's nothing physically wrong with me and that this is all a result of "chance"...but I truly believe that. There's nothing, no medicine, no vitamin, nothing that could've prevented this.

I think I'm still going to see Dr. Paul Robb at Froedort Medical Center next week for another opinion on what to do next. I could still do some of the testing for blood clotting, hormones, etc. - just to be on the safe side. So maybe we'll do that in the next few months just to double check and rule things out. And I know that in the end this is a good diagnosis - it means I don't need expensive and invasive testing and treatments. It means "my plumbing" is working (as my BFF says), and that I didn't do anything to bring this on.

So I guess we'll just see what comes next. We're still done trying for the rest of the year...we need to get to a better place emotionally and physically before going through all this again. Somehow I need to find a way to be hopeful again - and I think that'll take time.

Nervous about testing...treatments...

2008-08-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

I see my OB (Dr. MM) next Friday and I'm really nervous about it. I guess I'm not sure what I'm hoping for. She'll have the results from the chromosome testing by then but I don't know if I'm ready to hear the results. If it's some random abnormal fluke then we're screwed because I won't be eligible to go for any more testing and they'll just say it's bad luck and tell me to move on. And if it's normal then we're screwed because then I'll have to go thru crazy expensive and invasive testing which won't be fun.

I just don't want to go through any of this. I don't want to go to see Dr. MM and I don't want to go to see Dr. Coulam...I don't want to do any of it. It's going to cost a fortune and probably won't lead to any results. But it's either that or just spin the wheel again and hope for the best. Which doesn't really make much sense because spinning the wheel hasn't really worked out so well up til now.

I just want things to work the way they're supposed to!!!!

I've been pregnant 3 times!

2008-08-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

There's a message board on the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" website for grief and loss and TTC after loss. I've been on this board for almost a year now and they are a great support group.

Anyways, I was just responding to a post that someone else had written on that board about taking progesterone during pregnancy and she was asking if it masked miscarriage symptoms. So I was replying and I wrote something like "I was on progesterone with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy..." and I just had to stop and think "Is that right? Have I been pregnant 3 times?". Sometimes when I say it out loud (or write it out loud) it just kind of hits me - I've been pregnant 3 times. But women who've been pregnant 3 times typically have a baby, no? It's so weird to me - I have trouble accepting that I've actually had 3 babies inside me. Now I'm sure there's a million arguments that they weren't actually babies - but at least 2 of them had heartbeats that I saw. I never looked at the last US's from my last 2 pregnancies - the US's where they were no longer alive. But John did and they had tiny hands and fingers and actually looked like a baby - albeit a very small one. I had to explain that to him the first time he saw baby #2 - it may look big on the monitor but it's really only 5-6 cm long. And we know that baby #2 was a girl, and in 2 weeks we'll know the sex of baby #3. So for at least a few weeks they were real babies. I may not get any cards on Mother's Day but in my own little way I still like to think of myself as being a mommy to my 3 little babies, even if just for a short time.

It wasn't enough...

2008-07-28T18:21:00.001-07:00

After a pretty miserable 2 weeks since the d&c I'm finally starting to feel a bit better. I'm still having headaches every day but they're getting better. I'm also feeling a bit better emotionally - not crying as often or feeling so angry. I'm still don't understand why this has happened to us but I'm trying to accept that there's not much I can do to change it. I certainly can't change the past. I really feel like I did everything I could during this last pregnancy - which is turning out to be a double-edged sword. On one hand I feel like I did everything - progesterone, baby aspirin, folic acid, B vitamins, acupuncture - so it couldn't possibly be my fault. It must be something else or just be based on luck because I definitely did everything I could. But on the other hand, if I did everything I could then how could it not be enough?? How is that possible? Especially when there are women who do drugs while they're pregnant!! They do crack and heroin while they're pregnant and still have a baby...and I can't??? It just doesn't make sense and I can't wrap my brain around it. I just don't understand how I did everything and it wasn't enough.

Some Stats...

2008-07-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

About 5% of all couples trying to conceive have 2 consecutive miscarriages, and 1% have 3 or more consecutive losses. Nonetheless, it has been established that even after 3 miscarriages, a patient who receives no specific antiabortion therapy can still hope to deliver a healthy infant subsequently in at least 50% of cases.

Between 50% and 60% of first-trimester spontaneous abortions show evidence of genetic defects; the most common is trisomy, followed by X monosomy and polyploidy. *X monosomy was the diagnosis of our 2nd loss, called Turner's Syndrome*

Interestingly, approximately 99% of fetuses with 45,X (Turner's Syndrome) are expelled spontaneously.

Some Info About Miscarriage

2008-07-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Miscarriage of a pregnancy is a physically and emotionally challenging ordeal. When pregnancy loss is repetitive, these feelings are magnified. While the risk of miscarriage increases with increasing maternal age, overall approximately 13% of all recognized first pregnancies miscarry. The risk of a second consecutive miscarriage is only slightly increased to 17%. However, the risk of miscarriage after two consecutive pregnancy losses rises to 35 to 40% and continues to rise with each subsequent miscarriage. It is estimated that between 2 to 5% of couples desiring pregnancy will suffer from repeat pregnancy loss.

Genetic Problems
Many couples tend to ascribe RPL to genetic factors, so it is important to emphasize some basic points. There are two broad types of chromosomal (genetic) abnormalities, with the first and most common kind occurring in the baby. This usually involves a problem unique to the particular union of egg and sperm that resulted in a baby that was not capable of survival. This finding has no bearing on future pregnancies in many cases. The second kind of chromosomal abnormality exists in the patient or her partner and may be of concern in all of their future pregnancies. Fortunately, this type of genetic abnormality is discovered in only three to five percent of couples with RPL.

Hormonal Problems
Abnormal ovarian function with decreased progesterone production has been termed a "luteal phase deficiency" and is found in five to eight percent of women with RPL. Other hormonal deficiencies that are infrequently associated with pregnancy loss include hypothyroidism, an excess in the production of a hormone called prolactin, and an imbalance in glucose and insulin. These conditions can be treated medically.

Anatomic Problems
Uterine abnormalities are found in 15 to 20 percent of women with a history of RPL. These abnormalities may be congenital (from birth) or acquired in the course of the woman's lifetime. Many of the congenital and acquired abnormalities can be treated with a surgical procedure called operative hysteroscopy. This day-surgical procedure can be used to treat uterine septa, intrauterine scar tissue (adhesions), and growth of smooth muscle (leiomyomas) or glands (polyps).

Immune Problems
The area of immunology has become one of the most controversial in the assessment of pregnancy loss. The causes include autoimmune factors (immune reaction against another) and alloimmune causes (immune reaction against another). An example of an autoimmune disease is rheumatoid arthritis, and an example of an alloimmune problem would be rejection of a kidney after transplantation. Tests for lupus anticoagulant and antiphospholipid or anticardiolipin antibodies are clinically indicated diagnostic tests and are abnormal in 20 percent of women with RPL. Other tests under investigation include natural killer (NK) cells and embryotoxic factors. Treatment may include the use of a blood thinner, such as heparin with baby aspirin.

Coagulation Problems
Imbalances in the blood clotting system have recently been recognized as an area of importance in RPL. A number of inherited disorders may predispose women to venous and arterial thrombosis and block the blood flow to the developing baby. As many as 15 percent of women with unexplained RPL may have a blood clotting disorder. These include deficiencies of protein C and protein S, antithrombin, genetic mutations in factor V and factor II, and hyperhomocystinemia that is often caused by a B vitamin deficiency. Once identified, these conditions can be treated.
Inherited thrombophilias resulting from genetic mutations in clotting factors have emerged as a potentially important cause of recurrent pregnancy loss, but a great many women with these mutations have completely normal reproductive performance. Why some with thrombophilias miscarry and others do not is unknown; women with more than one type of mutation or whose fetus inherits the mutation may be at greater risk. At present, which women with recurrent pregnancy loss should be screened for thrombophilias and how they should be evaluated remain unanswered questions. Selected screening for the most common abnormalities in women with otherwise unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss with a suspicious loss after eight weeks' gestation or after detection of fetal heart activity is reasonable, but routine screening of all women with recurrent pregnancy loss cannot be justified. Whereas preliminary data suggest that combined treatment with aspirin and heparin may improve pregnancy outcomes in women with recurrent pregnancy loss who carry a thrombophilia, empiric aspirin treatment in untested women has no proven benefit.

Infectious Problems
Infection of the uterine lining or endometrium with slow growing bacteria has also been associated with pregnancy loss in five to 10 percent of women with RPL.. Certain infectious agents have been identified more frequently in cultures from women who have had a spontaneous pregnancy loss. These include Ureaplasma urealyticum, Mycoplasma hominis, and chlamydia. Other less frequent pathogens include toxoplasma gondii, rubella, HSV, measles, CMV, coxsackie virus and listeria monocytogenes, though none have convincingly been shown to be associated with ARPL. Because of the clear association with sporadic pregnancy losses and the ease and low cost of diagnosis, women with RPL should be cultured for the three most frequent organisms (mycoplasma, ureaplasma, and chlamydia) and both partners should be treated with antibiotics if positive. Some clinicians believe that empiric antibiotic treatment in women suspected of harboring a genital mycoplasma infection is less costly and less complicated than serial cultures.

Environmental Problems
Certain habits and occupations may be related to pregnancy loss. It is known that tobacco use of greater than 15 cigarettes per day or alcohol use of greater than four drinks per week will increase the chance of pregnancy loss up to two-fold. Also, some studies have suggested that airline attendants, women who are exposed to chemicals in their work environment (such as hair stylists), and women with physically strenuous work may have an increased risk of miscarriage. Nontraumatic exercise, intercourse, and normal daily activity do not cause miscarriage.

Pregnancy History

2008-07-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

Some history on my three pregnancies...

1st Pregnancy – September-November 2007
LMP – 8/23/07
Conceived first month of trying, charted BBT
Appt. at 8 weeks – all ok, no US
Started bleeding 11/9/07 at 11w, US showed no heartbeat, baby died @ ~6w
Natural miscarriage at home – bled ~5 weeks; no testing done
Other Info:
-Took prenatals, folic acid (400 mcg)
-Flew on airplane at 6w
-BBT showed no temperature spike after ovulation

2nd Pregnancy – January – April 2008
LMP – 1/13/08
Conceived first month of trying, using OPK’s
Began Progesterone suppositories 1x/day at 5w1d
US at 7w1d showed strong heartbeat 140, normal growth
Began bleeding at 12w, US showed no heartbeat, baby died at 9w
D&C 4/3/08, no complications
Chromosome testing showed Turner’s Syndrome, no further testing completed
Maternal/Paternal karotyping showed no translocations or other problems, Cyndi is not a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis
Other Info:
-Took prenatals, progesterone, folic acid (400 mcg)
-Flew on airplane at 7w

3rd Pregnancy – June-July 2008
LMP – 5/13/08
Conceived first month of trying, using OPK’s and charting BBT
Began 200mg Prometrium at CD16
Hcg level at 5w3d=2800, 5w5d=8100, Progesterone at 5w5d=23, Progesterone at 7w= 21
US at 7w showed heartbeat 110, growth of 6w1d (6 days behind)
US at 9w showed no heartbeat, growth of 7w4d
D&C 7/18/08
Chromosome testing showed…
Other Info:
-Took prenatals, baby aspirin, folic acid (2mg), B6 (100mg), B complex, acupuncture 2x week starting in April 08 (immediately following d&c)
-Took Red Raspberry and Vitex from April-May
-Took amoxicillin for gum infection for 10 days around week 5-6
-Flew on airplane at 6w
-BBT looked perfect, temperature spike at CD15, implantation dip at CD20.

My New Doctor

2008-07-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided to visit the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss clinic in Evanston, IL - which is run by Dr. Caryolyn Coulam. She's an expert in recurrent miscarriage - with an emphasis on immune and clotting issues. I'm scheduled to see her August 22nd to begin the testing.
http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/index-rpl.html

I had previously considered seeing Dr. Mary Stephenson at the University of Chicago. I'm not sure exactly why I changed my mind...it was just a gut feeling I guess. My first appoitment is August 22nd.

Welcome!

2008-07-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

I wanted to create this blog as a place to track our ongoing struggles with creating a family. Soon I'll be seeing lots of doctors and having lots of tests - so I created this as a place that our family and friends could visit for the latest updates.